How healthy are your boundaries?

Your boundaries are your personal limits on what is right for you. They help keep you safe, protect your mental and physical health and focus on what’s right for you. They dictate what you are going to participate in / going to do and not do, and when to walk away from a situation or person.

Healthy boundaries are about taking responsibility for ourselves and our action and allowing other people to do the same. They help us define and maintain our identity, knowing what our values and opinions are, what we like and dislike, what we feel and believe, and what belongs to other people.  They allow us to feel in control of our lives and prioritise how we use our time.  They enable us to stay aligned to our priorities and move forward with the life we want to live.

Weak or unhealthy boundaries mean we are giving our power away. When we have weak boundaries we can feel emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed, guilty, frustrated and resentful because we allow others to take advantage. We may allow them to ask more than is appropriate from us, to invade our space, to behave inappropriately – or just in ways we don’t like and want.  We find it hard to say no.   We may end up taking responsibility for what is happening for others whether they ask for it or not.  We may allow others to make decisions for us, tell us what we think and should do leaving us feeling out of control of our lives.

Weak boundaries are usually something that starts in childhood.  At that point in our lives we came to the conclusion that it was in our best interests to prioritise someone else’s needs and wants over our own and the only way to do this was by weakening our own boundaries.   In the process we form beliefs and set up patterns of behaviour that support our weak boundaries and help us keep them in place.

Examples of beliefs might include:

• I can’t say no
• I can’t disappoint other people
• Other people will reject me / abandon me if I say no or set limits
• Other people will be angry with me if I say no or set limits
• Other people have more right to my personal space
• I am no good at making decisions
• Setting boundaries is wrong in a loving relationship

Examples of behaviours might include:

• Doing things for other people when you don’t want to
• Allowing other people to decide how you spend my time
• Spending all your energy supporting other people’s dreams rather than your own
• Allowing other people to use your things when you don’t want them to
• Accepting abuse or disrespect
• Allowing others to take advantage
• Overcommitting

So how healthy are your boundaries?  If you feel you would benefit from strengthening them here are a few suggestions:

1. Tune in
   Start tuning into your emotions, your thoughts and your gut feelings.  If you find yourself feeling frustrated or resentful because you are doing something you have found a boundary. If your heart sinks or you start feeling overwhelmed when you say yes, you have found a boundary,  if you don’t feel your relationship or friendship is equal, or feel disrespected, you are probably giving your power away to the other person, you have found a boundary, if you recognise yourself saying “I don’t mind”, “What do you want to do” or changing your behaviour and thoughts for someone else, you have found a boundary.  You may find it useful to journal for a few days to capture these moments. When you recognise yourself reacting to a boundary in this way stop and think.  What did you really want or need in that moment.  Is there something you could have said or done differently?  Is there a small change you can make next time?  Can you anticipate this situation reoccurring and set a boundary in place before it does?